..is now called 7-Up with antioxidants. What's that about? Anyway, apparently soda is totally healthy now, so I guzzle it with abandon because of course society says I need to be watching my bridely figure.

I sure hope bridely is a word!

no one told me there were tornadoes in Tennessee.

WHAT
'THE
FUCK

I found my veil on eBay, on the cheap. My Abe is modeling it.

Today we took Bindi puppy to the dog park in Nashville instead of our small-town dog park. She's used to like 4 dogs at most, but there were about 15 at the park today. Her solution was to ignore every dog and wander around aimlessly.

At the same time, I'm used to dealing with only a couple of dog owners, whereas today there were a billion. And they're all talking about their dogs as their "kids," so my solution was to ignore them all and wander around aimlessly.

Also there's this goddamn little bird that decides to fly into our front door over and over.. and over.. every time it gets warm. One time it stopped for about an hour and I thought it had a traumatic brain injury.. but no. Fucker's back.



( ETA more wedding garbage now complete with a poll )

I suck at updating my LJ. Maybe because every day is the same, and entries that say, "First my puppy woke me up with barking and biting, then I took her outside in the freezing cold, then I tried to go back to sleep to no avail because of said biting.. looked at vintage glassware on eBay.. ate salad with balsamic gorgonzola dressing.. went to work.. ate more salad.. came home.. watched random episode of Lost with boyfriend and puppy.. went to sleep" aren't worth making y'all read?

So the whole wedding thing is super weird. I'm getting to the point where I hate weddings and yet I love the idea of our wedding. But really, every blog has the same stuff over and over. Strapless wedding dress? Check. Brown matching bridesmaid dresses? Check. Stupid aisle runner with stupid bride & groom names on them? Check. "Arty" pictures of bride's shoes, dress hanging in the window, and rings presented in some "unusual" way? Check. Dumb "party favors" people are going to throw away when they leave? Check. And what's sad is people are paying an average of $20k for these cookie-cutter crapfests.

All I want is a fun party with lovely decor and all my friends and a one-man-band guy who plays karaoke for us and plentiful booze. And I want nice pictures to remember it, but none of them of my shoes, and no $2k photographer bill.

Also, I want some pinatas. Is that so much to ask?

This conversation just happened at "Rojo" inside The Palms in Vegas.

(Background: my friend Carrie is a huge KC Royals fan.)

Guy hitting on Carrie: my favorite team is the Royals.

Me: oh really? Let's have a Royals fan-off. Who's your favorite all-time Royal?

Guy: I think Brett favre. But he doesn't count because he's retarded. I mean, retired. Yeah. Brett Favre.

Us: ...

Fin.

If you believe Scott Eyre, who lived through it, Pedro Feliz, who lived through it too, came up to him after the seventh inning of Wednesday night's World Series finale and said, "This time, we're going to get those five outs."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
WHAT THE HELL

Sorry, that was just my internal reaction screaming to get out. Fucking, what the hell!!!! Aaaaahhh!

Anyway. I hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck. And losing the World Series.

CASHMERE is sweater material
KAZMIR is a pitcher
YOU are a shitbag who shouldn't talk on my TV.

I kinda want to go back in my archives and see just how many times I have bitched about Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Maybe I could repost them all, in honor of the Phillies-Rays World Series! Bud Selig had nightmares about this... and now it's here! Mwahahaha!

Has anyone noticed JT O'Sullivan fumbles seemingly ALL THE TIME?

Could it be because he has unusually small hands? Like, baby-sized? Like that freaky Mandrell sister in the SNL skit? Like, tiny as hell? Like too small to hold a football?

Nah. That's ridiculous.

They're all the same. Except this time McCain is throwing in some extra Obama insults because the angry crowds told him to. And McCain sounds more scattered.

Srsly I've heard all these speeches so many times. So. Many. Times. I want to just watch Project Runway but it feels unAmerican.

In other news: Phillies!!!

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

Also, SHUT UP.

Love,

Everyone who is trying to watch baseball without their ears starting to BLEED.

PS Why did I just keel over laughing at this? I'm genuinely sad that the little deer died.

PPS Why won't you answer my letters, Bon Jovi?

Question: Why can't I stop looking at Yahoo answers?

Answer: I smell? Dolphins are cute!!! What's the right answer here?? All I know is, the dumb questions make me laugh and I try entirely too hard to come up with funny answers. Then people give me thumbs down and I get all offended.

Question: Why would someone make up a quote from Anne Hathaway saying she likes it in the back door? Other than to make me laugh way too much?
Answer: ?????????????

Question: Why is my puppy BINDI BARRACUDA soooooooo cute?
Answer: God must have spent a little more time on her

Question: Who has the latest collectors cover of People magazine?
Answer: I added Clay's coming out to my Lance Bass and NPH People cover collection. Nothing will ever top Lance, though.

STOP BEING SHITTY PLEASE.

Signed,

Someone who needs Terrell Owens to do something for fantasy reasons.

PS I should've been more specific.. STOP BEING SHITTY BY THROWING TO TERRELL OWENS! Also, your girlfriend is a moron.

So if you watched the 49ers-Lions game today, you might've found yourself thinking, "When did Mike Martz become head coach of the 49ers?" Because Mike Martz is seriously all they talked about. Mike Nolan was standing there all, "LOOK AT ME I'M IN A SUIT!!! My team is KILLING right now!!!" and still it was blahblahblah Mike Martz blah.

Now, as I stated in my previous open letter to Mike Nolan, I'm off the Nolan bandwagon. HOWEVER.. Mike Martz is a pretty bad head coach. I'm happy to have him pulling the strings on the shiny new non-boring offense, but.. please don't let him take over and blow every timeout and go for it on every 4th down and go for 2 point conversions for no reason and generally do insane things all the time. God damnit Mike Nolan, don't get fired.

The puppy still doesn't have a name! Yesterday I discovered Baby Puppy is a real bitchy ball-buster, because she doesn't take any crap from ol' Champ. Despite being way smaller than him.

So I thought I could name her Alexis (after Alexis Carrington the biggest TV bitch in HISTORY!!!) Barracuda (obv after our ball-busting future VP who's not afraid to repeat the same inaccurate barbs OVER AND OVER AND OVER like a creepy Stepford robot!) and call her Lexi. So far, not a popular choice in the house. I don't know what to do!

I do know thanks to the Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator that I'd name her "Froth Moonshine" if I was the governor of Alaska.

Poll #1261154 Name that puppy!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 5

What should I name my puppy?

If you chose "other" please write something in here!

Brittany Debra, if you were born to Sarah Palin, your name would be:

Chap Poach Palin

Who knows, Chap Poach Palin you just might be president one day!

What's your Palin name?

W..T..F!!

YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WE COULD COUNT ON
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YOU'RE A HERO JOE NEDNEY

PS The dog might be Tyra. I don't know.

PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we adopted a wittle baby puppy from our local animal shelter!! She looks like a German shepherd/Corgi.. so basically a German shepherd head on a looong body with tiny short legs that induce laughter!

SHE IS THE CUTEST THING EVER!! Don't believe me, see for yourself.



Anyway, we can't decide what to name her. I get to pick this dog's name since Champ was named without my approval. The favorites right now are Casey and Cherry.. but I'd also like to give her a wacky celebrity baby name. Suri anyone?

Any suggestions?!

I've been asked to do a lot of ridiculous things in my day.. but this one takes the cake. Via the Giants website..



No thanks. I'd sooner vote for John Mayer or Sean Hannity.

Dear Mike Nolan,

I've given you the benefit of the doubt for season after season. But I can't do it anymore. Consider these facts..

1) the NFC West has been terrible for your entire tenure;
2) the 49ers have nevertheless remained uncompetitive within the NFC West for your entire tenure;
3) your team just looked sloppy and unprepared in their home opener against ARIZONA led by KURT FUCKING WARNER;
4) it doesn't seem to occur to you that 6 NFL teams passed up on giving JT O'Sullivan any playing time because he actually isn't very good;
5) you handled the Alex Smith debacle very unprofessionally. By the way, his shoulder's still fucked up.

For those reasons, and others I am probably forgetting, I am jumping off of your bandwagon. I can only hope the team manages to win despite your flawed guidance. And I will come after you if we end up with Mike Martz as our head coach because of your continued failure. So, godspeed.

Sincerely,

doctorzbornak

That's not true, but I wish it was. My elbow is all swollen up to twice its size because of some insane insect bite. And I got some bites on my foot and leg which people diagnosed as chigger bites, and everyone told me to put nail polish on them to "suffocate" the chiggers, so I did.. then I finally did some Google research and it seems I'd fallen victim to an urban legend. But I'm probably permanently scarred from these bites. Thanks a lot, old wives tales. I'm lucky not to have gangrene.

Whya re there so many bugs in the south? It's bad enough that most people don't use punctuation here. That's enough to deal with, without constantly itching huge welts all over ALL OVER MY BODY.

Straw man argument

Pause for applause

Straw man argument

Pause for applause

Sure the economy BLOWS, but people ask for too much help.

Pause for applause

Let's do what we did 30 years ago, that's progress!

Pause for applause

John McCain actually opposes terrorism! Barack Obama may or may not. It's difficult to say!!

Pause for applause

Barack Obama will raise your taxes!!!

Pause for applause

I love America

Pause for applause

Look at this flag behind me!

Pause for U-S-A chant

Now I'll take a dig at Barack Obama's wife! But leave Sarah Palin's family alone, you evil liberal media!

Bow for standing ovation.

ETA: Just last spring, Palin herself scoffed when Hillary Clinton’s campaign complained about a double standard in coverage.

“When I hear a statement like that coming from a woman candidate with any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism, or maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think, 'Man, that doesn't do us any good, women in politics, or women in general, trying to progress this country,' ” Palin said.

LOFL..

Get off the stage! I seriously hate Michael McDonald. So much. So, so much.

Go ruin a Beatles song or something plz

Who knew Wolf Blitzer was a Michael McDonald fanboy? I like to think Anderson Cooper was gagging through that, because he's my boy.